James BaldwinPeople are not, for example, terribly anxious to be equal but they love the idea of being superior.
"Letter from a Region of My Mind"
There was a person in my life who I had very hard feelings about. Being around this person shot my anxiety through the top of my head and made me feel as though my heart and lungs were going to explode. I felt nauseated at the mere thought of being around them and every minute I was, all I could think about was getting away. Sadly, there was no way around seeing this person and trying to explain my feelings to anyone just felt, and sounded like, whiny complaining. I was trapped and could not shake the physical reactions I was having every time I had to be in the same place as this person. I was also deep in the throes of depression and grief and was years away from finding a therapist who would help me. So I did what came naturally to someone like me. I was petty. Petty like a middle school girl, petty. Find the weakest spot and dig right in there, petty. Not kind, not attractive, not recommended behavior in the least.
This person was very short. I am tall. Every time I had the opportunity, I wore the highest heels that I possibly could and stood tall with my shoulders back and my head held high. A demented power pose of sorts. It did nothing and I am sure no one knew what I was doing, but in a sick way, it did make me feel superior and powerful and that I wasn't going to let them win.
An odd quirk of mine is that I have a larger vocabulary than most of the folks in my circles, with a few notable exceptions. Even so, I tend to keep my daily usage relatively common. Being teased for my big words for most of my life by people just as petty as I was certainly made an impression. Also, my mouth moves a whole lot faster than my brain does, and more often than not, the words I know do not seem to make it all the way out. Aging is a bitch. All that aside, this person, while educated, spoke at the level of a high school student on social media. Petty me, using the only weapons I could get ahold of at the time, used the biggest words I could get away with in conversations that this person was either a part of or even adjacent to. I was so arrogant in my words. When I was growing up my mother always said that my tongue was my sharpest sword. She had no idea. Again, I'm sure that no one knew what I was doing, but it was the only armor I had at the time to deflect the imaginary daggers I was sure this person was shooting at me.
I didn't want to be equal to this person. I didn't want to make things right or build a relationship. I was hurt and sad and in my own trifling mind, I only wanted to be superior. Being equal would require humility and compromise on my part. Being equal would ask me to give up some things that I held pretty closely for the sake of a relationship. Being equal felt like too much work and that I would be getting the short end of the stick if I entered into the process. So I went with superior. Superior meant keeping them small and reminding them, continually, of their smallness.
It made me feel better momentarily, but it didn't work. I did not win. No one even knew I was fighting the battle. I only appeared as I was acting, petty and immature.
I still wear high heels and use big words, but not for the same reasons as before. No longer superior, just fabulous.
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